The Fake Letter
by Nirette
Summary: Harry sends a letter to Dudley saying that he is accepted to come to Hogwarts. Will Hermione approve of this prank? COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Harry Potter, or any of the relating characters.**

'Finally!' Vernon huffed, helping himself to a donut from a basket on the table 'That awful boy is gone!'

Petunia nodded, craning her neck to look out of the window so she could see what the neighbors were doing across the street. They, apparently, were just sipping lemonade whilst sitting on chairs in their front yard, but at any moment they could do something different.

Just then Dudley walked into the kitchen, yawning. He stared at the donuts for a second, his piggy eyes bulging with glee, and then he grabbed a handful and started to eat. 'Morning my Diddykins!' Petunia cooed. Dudley nodded at her, and then he let out a muffled cry, spewing crumbs all over the clean kitchen table. 'What is it?' Vernon asked gruffly, taking a sip deeply from his checkered mug. Dudley lifted a pudgy shaking finger and pointed to the window behind Petunia. She turned around and gasped. An owl was trying to get in. In broad daylight. Where the neighbors could see it!

'Don't let it in!' Vernon said curtly 'It probably has a stupid message.'

'But what will the neighbors say if they notice it?!' Petunia shrieked, and she let it in. It was a very pretty owl, but it seemed to have a bit of dirt on it, and it landed on Dudley's head, dropping grime everywhere.

'Get it offa me! I don't like birds! Get it off, get it off NOW!' Dudley shrieked, waving his arms around like a madman, ejecting more crumbs everywhere. The bird then dropped a note on the table, and flew out the window again, leaving as abruptly as it had come. Petunia brushed the dirt off of Dudley's locks and then picked up the note.

'Don't open in Petunia, it's probably some rubbish.' Vernon said, but she opened it anyway.

_Dear Dudley,_

_We are very pleased to tell you that you have a place at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We will pick you up at twelve tomorrow using dragons as transportation so we can take you shopping for school supplies. Whilst you are waiting, please practice saying these magic words, as they will help you dearly:_

_Abra Kadabra, Alakazam, and Hocus Pocus. _

_That is all, see you soon._

Petunia screamed, and dropped the letter. 'What is it?' Vernon asked, flabbergasted. He read the letter, and went chalk white. 'It c-can't b-be…' he muttered, and then he yelled so loudly that (much to Petunia's dismay) he aroused the whole neighborhood.

***

'H-harry' Ron managed to say, as he clutched his side 'I c-can't believe we did that.'

He burst out into another fit of laughter, dropping onto the maroon rug. Harry was sprawled on an armchair in the Gryffindor common room, accompanied by Ron, laughing so hard that his ribs hurt.

'I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU DID THAT!' Hermione screeched, stomping in through the portrait hole.

'C-come on H-hermione' Harry said, breathing heavily 'A-after all that I have gone through w-with them, t-they deserve that.'

He broke into another fit of laughter, and Hermione shook her head. 'They better not believe a word of it.' She said.

'They will believe every word of that letter. They don't know what a proper one looks like.' Ron pointed out, finally able to speak properly.

'I can just imagine Petunia's face when she thinks about dragons arriving outside of her house tomorrow.' Said Harry. 'Too bad that we can't get real dragons to go there- wait, Ron, what about Charlie? Could he fetch us a nice large drag-'

'HE CERTAINLY WILL NOT!' Hermione yelled.

'Sheesh, 'Mione, I was only joking.' Harry said.

'I can't believe that you sent him that letter. Now he thinks that he is a wizard! It is disgraceful to Hogwarts too; _Abra Kadabra, Alakazam, and Hocus Pocus_ indeed. Why, I bet you could get expelled! And think how disappointed he, Petunia and Vernon will be when they find out that he isn't a wizard.'

'Disappointed? They will be pleased. I bet that they are thinking about disowning Dudley right now.' Harry said 'Oh, come on Hermione. I just created a stupid, simple letter saying that Dudley was coming to Hogwarts. It is fake, don't worry. It's just a prank.'

'But you probably broke at least ten school rules-' she began, but then Ron butted in.

'This is coming from the person who created Polyjuice Potion in their second year? You didn't care about breaking about fifty school rules then, so why care in fourth year about a few?'

Hermione blushed, and mumbled something about it being 'different circumstances then'.

Harry let them argue and focused on the letter that he had written and sent to the Dursley's. He began to laugh again. He could almost hear Vernon's yell from there.

**Like it? Review please :D**


	2. Chapter 2

The sun rose gracefully, kissing the dew-covered grass in a morning welcome. Birds ruffled their feathers and some went off to hunt for food. One alighted fondly upon a branch of a bush and peaked into the shrubbery…

'Go away!' the bush yelled, shivering as if cold, and the bird nearly died from surprise.

It was Vernon in the bush, sulking in amongst the green leaves, cradling a gun as if a newborn baby. He pointed it at the bird and said loudly, 'Go on, get!'

The bird, sensing a slight dilemma in finding breakfast that morning, shrieked loudly and flew off. Vernon huffed and then became silent. A rose bush near him moved a bit.

'Daddy, these roses have awful thorns! Can't we just go in the house?' it said, in a very Dudley-like voice.

'Now, Dudley, they'll expect us in the house! We'll surprise them in the bushes when they come to pick you up – we'll shoot at them and take them by surprise. Ha ha, I can see it now!' Vernon snorted as a bee came dangerously close to his left nostril.

A lily stalk started to quiver a bit as a hummingbird tried to drink from its flowers.

'I just want out of this bush NOW!' a voice, much like Petunia's, roared from it, 'This is just reminding me of my sister!'

'Hush! I hear a noise!' A click of a gun could be heard from Vernon's bush. Everyone fell silent as a humming noise, followed by some whistling could be heard.

Vernon jumped out of the bush and shot. A child, who previously had been walking and singing to himself, ran away crying as his fallen popsicle lay on the sidewalk, bearing a bullet.

'Oops.' Vernon said grimly, sitting back down in the bushes and swearing a bit.

Hours passed, and numerous times did Dudley complain about being hurt by thorns. Vernon told him to be quiet unless 'he'd like to go to a bloody school run by lunatics!'

Then, Vernon heard a slight scuffling and a sound of dripping. His pant leg soon was soaked with warm water. _Rain_, he thought bitterly. He peered out of the shrub slowly to find a dog relieving himself on the bush.

'Ach!' Vernon screamed, and the dog was very pleased to find a new friend. He hopped around and barked, licked at Vernon's face and then found the rose and lily bush. He too marked his territory there, delivered some slobbery kisses and then ran off, leaving three very angry (and drenched) Dursley's behind him.

Then, half an hour later, when Vernon was settled back in his bush and cursing the confined space (which held smells in very well) he heard another rustling sound. He got his gun ready and popped out of the bush, shooting at his target with great speed, expecting to see a fallen dragon at any moment and feel the triumph of winning over that blasted school...

It was the mailman, who yelped as the bullet entered his mail bag, plowed right through the letters, exited and crashed into the grass. Shakily, he handed Vernon his mail and then quickly ran off. Vernon saw a letter and groaned, no mirth in his voice at all. He tore the note open with the tip of his firearm and read out:

_Dear Dudley,_

_We are saddened to inform you that we could not pick you up today; the dragons were ill after a meal of rotten cow carcass. We will pick you up at eleven o'clock tomorrow sharp (with dragons as transportation – of course!)_

_See you soon!_

Vernon burst into tears of anguish and crawled into a fetal position on his driveway.

Back at Hogwarts, Ron, Harry and even Hermione were (again) laughing at their marvelous prank.

**Hoookay, let me explain this chapter.**

**This was actually the story _The Fake Letter part 2_, yet nobody seemed to be able find it. Some people wanted a second part, but they didn't know there was one. So now it is the second chapter to this story. This will most likely be the last chapter xD**

**Thank-you to everybody who reviewed, favourited, etc, with this story. I will eventually be coming out with my newer version of _The Cat Project_, which is another HP fanfic, so maybe you could check it out xD**

**Thanks for being supermegafoxyawesomehot people! Remember to keep calm and love Harry Potter!**


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